Cloud Nine

It’s no fantasy-land, it’s just how you feel,

All glossy and sweet. So why turn on your heel?

The world looks better when frosted with glitter,

though a world-wind romance leaves plenty of litter.

Why pause to notice your anchor’s too light?

It’s already too late, no time for a plight.

You’ll crash from your cloud,

be back with the crowd.

Now glitter’s in your eyes,

rain-drops will fall, leaving bitter good-byes.

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Discarded

Sad-face

They could have told me,
then I’d already be free.
But it leads to the same end,
so there’s no need to pretend.

I ring the phone, send the text
But I feel like a pest.
Their watching TV or incredibly sleepy,
If I call again, perhaps I am creepy?

My romance is a one man struggle,
This revelation has burst my bubble.
I should throw it away like a worn and torn shirt,
but I still wear it, as removing it would hurt.

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Annie’s Load

She had never done this before, and knew it was risky, very risky.  She thought she could feel her nerves clench her throat like a tight scarf. She told herself to remember, she was just one link in a chain. It would be soon someone else’s problem, then she would be free! Until that moment she would have to hold her breath. She didn’t like the thrill of it, she couldn’t even sit on a roller-coaster, the one time she’d been coaxed to, she’d been sick.  She was doing it for the money. It was more than she could make in two years with her gruelling bar job and in just twelve hours! All she needed to do was go on holiday. She had never been on a plane before.

First things first. She started packing. Her suitcase was a good size, sturdy and black. She had always disliked coloured suitcases, but now she thought hers looked unfriendly and suspicious. She started as she would for any other holiday. One pair of sandals for the beach, they were good quality leather, strong they’d support her.  She also packed her tiny weeny denim shorts. Finally! She would have an appropriate occasion to wear them. A huge bottle of sun cream made the cut to get into the case, if she got out the other end it was going to be scorching. What else did she need? Her suitcase should be like any other; she packed a towel, some Loreal two-in-one conditioner, socks and a Thai dictionary she had picked up specially which was put in a zipped compartment. She left her cigarettes out for now. One more item needed to be packed; a 10kg block of cocaine. She stared at it on her kitchen table. It was in a translucent bag, white and chalky. It didn’t look so out of place, for a second she pretended it was just a lump of sugar of flour. It wasn’t, she got a black bin-liner and put it inside, far less conspicuous. She then placed it on top of the items she had packed and took a step back, now it looked out of place! All of a sudden she sprang up and grabbed two huge thick coats from her cupboard and stuffed them into her suitcase, before hastily shutting it and zipping it quickly. She wouldn’t even need the coats. She thought about taking them out. She wasn’t going to open the suitcase again. And she was glad she’d left out the cigarettes.

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The Proposal

The Proposal

Cast: One woman- DAPHNE.  One male: Malcolm.

Malcolm an intellectual who has not made much of his life and Daphne a ditsy, pleasant young woman are sitting on a bench together in summer.

Malcolm seems to not be paying her much attention, though Daphne is trying her best to sidle up to him.

Malcolm: Would you marry me?

Daphne; (Throwing her hands up in the air) Why Malcolm, this is so unexpected, I never thought you’d ask! I’ve been holding out so long for this moment. My mother said it would never happen and I should just give up, but I said that if I just held on a bit longer! Just wait until I tell her!!!’ (she’s beaming.)

Malcolm ;(Watching a squirrel intensely) No, No. I think you misunderstood. I just wanted to know whether, if I asked, hypothetically, you’d say yes.

Daphne; W-what do you mean? You just said, ‘will you marry me’

Malcolm:(snobbery) ‘If you had listened properly you would have noticed that I said ‘Would you marry me’, not ‘will’. Completely different.  For example,  like (pause) what would you do if you were the prime minister? Or if you had to choose to shoot either your Mother or your Father, which would you choose? I’m not actually saying you will be the prime minister or you will shoot your dad, if indeed you chose him. If I had to choose one, it would be your dad. He made a snide comment at my tie once.’

Daphne: When I said yes…(interrupted)

Malcome: No need to answer the real question now. If the answer was yes to, ‘will you marry me?’, logically it would also be the same answer to, ‘would you marry me?’ (with a carefree wave of his hand). 

Daphne looks completely crestfallen. She struggles to fight back tears.

Malcolm takes out a chocolate bar and goes to eat it, he looks at Daphne for the first time, she is clearly upset.

Malcolm: ‘Would you like a piece of my chocolate bar?’

Daphne sniffs reproachfully.  

Daphne: Yes.

Malcolm: Got you again! It was another hypothetical, you really ought to catch on by now!

 He happily continues to munch on his chocolate bar while watching the pigeon again. Daphne tries to discreetly wipe her tears with her sleeve. 

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The Psychiatrist

pycartarsit

Four characters; WANDA GOODWRITE, DOREEN, MR SHELL, ZELDA.

Set up: two chairs facing each other in the middle of the stage.

WANDA GOODWRITE is a psychiatrist who has just finished her training and started a job as a psychiatrist

. She is optimistic and friendly, but utterly insensitive. She’s sitting on a chair, opposite her is an empty chair.

<KNOCK AT DOOR>

WANDA; come in!

DOREEN is a nervous woman, she shakily enters the room.

WANDA; come in, come in. Do sit down.

Doreen walks to the chair and sits uncomfortably.   A few seconds go by.

WANDA; So what’s new with you?

A few more seconds go.

DOREEN;(stutters) I-I-I- (silence) 

WANDA; (impatiently) Come on! Out with it! You can tell me.

Doreen remains silent.

WANDA: Do you have a problem speaking?

Doreen still remains silent.

WANDA; Ok, let’s try this. I’ll ask a question, you either shake or nod your head. Alright?

Doreen nods her head.

WANDA; How are you?

Silence, Doreen looks confused

WANDA: Let’s try another one shall we?  How was your day?

Doreen shakes her head in confusion.

WANDA: Good! Now you’re getting the hang of it! Are you feeling down?

Doreen nods.

Wanda gets out a leaflet.

WANDA; Do you often feel tired?

Doreen nods again.

WANDA; (happily) Well, it says here they are both symptoms of depression. Glad we got that one sorted! I think we’re done.

Doreen stays seated.

WANDA; I said we’re done. You can leave.

Doreen gets up and leaves.

WANDA; NEXT!

MR SHELL a quiet polite man walks in, eyes darting, he walks over to the chair and sits.

WANDA; Hello Mr….(Wanda picks up a piece of paper stating her patients names) Roberts.

MR SHELL; Shell.

WANDA; Oh, Mr Shell.

MR SHELL: Where’s Zelda?

WANDA; I’m a new psychiatrist here, and I’m taking over your sessions. How are you today?

MR SHELL; urm.. Fine thank-you

WANDA; That can’t be true can it? Or you wouldn’t be here would you?

MR SHELL; actually this week I’ve been feeling really quite good.

WANDA; Let me look through your case history. (Wanda picks up a wad of paper) it says… girlfriend left you, in the same week you were sacked from your job. Since has been depressed.….. What have you got to say about that then?

MR SHELL; well, urm, It took me a bit of time to adjust, but now, I think I’m feeling better.

WANDA; Where was I? Oh yes. So it all started when your girlfriend dumped you?

MR SHELL; Yes, but I think I’m over that now.

WANDA; Nonsense! Of course you’re not. Trust me I’m the psychiatrist. You have a lot of feelings you need to deal with.  What was it about you that made your girlfriend leave?

MR SHELL; (glumly) I have the personality of a wet fish, the charisma of a dried out anemone, and a head which resembles that of a hammer head shark’s.

WANDA; They are particularly fish-centred descriptions.

MR SHELL: She’s a Marine Biologist.

WANDA: How very interesting, she must have been clever! Do you have a photo of her?

Mr Shell nods

WANDA: Can I see it?

Hesitantly Mr Shell takes out his wallet and removes a photo from it and hands it to her.

WANDA; WOW! She’s extremely pretty (she looks at him)

She rips up the picture.

Mr Shell looks horrified, and puts his arms out in a stop motion.

MR SHELL: (meekly) N-NO

WANDA: You’ll never get over her with that in your wallet, best thing was to get rid of it. Were there any other reasons, apart from your personality and looks, why your extremely attractive, intelligent girlfriend left you?

MR SHELL; (looking extremely uncomfortable)   (pause) She preferred my identical twin brother, Simon.

WANDA; That’s a stinger!  Didn’t he have your odd hammer-head shark shaped head too?

MR SHELL; She said it looked good on him.

WANDA: How odd! You look exactly the same yet she chose your identical twin. Well as long as she’s happy I guess, that’s what counts! (Pauses) Oh…. yes where was I. What you’ve got to remember Mr Roberts…(interrupted)

Mr Shell; Shell;

Wanda; What you’ve got to remember Mr Shell  is that, it doesn’t matter that your girlfriend broke up with you because you have the personality of a wet fish, or that your job sacked you….. Why did your job sack you?

MR SHELL; Simon, my identical twin applied for my job. They said they liked him better, because he had more personality.

WANDA; Awch, what are the chances! But so what? Who cares that your job sacked you because everyone likes Simon better, what you’ve got to remember is (<CLOCK CHIME>) Where was I?  Oh dear! I completely forgot where I was going with that. It would seem that we’re out of time anyway. See you next week Simon.

Mr Shell looks displeased he gets up and leaves.

ZELDA, a scruffy, shy, woman wearing thick rimmed glasses enters and walks to the empty chair, sits.

WANDA; Don’t tell me what your problem is, I’m going to guess.

Zelda tries to protest.

WANDA; No no! I insist. A good psychiatrist can tell a patient their problems are before they’ve been told.  Give me a moment (a moment goes by) you’ve got body image problems; Low self-esteem, low confidence…. because you’re not particularly attractive.

Zelda; Miss Goodwrite…(interrupted)

Zelda keeps on trying to interject Wanda.

WANDA; Wait, wait! There’s more. You really shouldn’t interrupt, its rude.   Something happened in your life, to make it even worse (knowingly) boyfriend broke up with you, lost your job? Whatever it was it made you, stop putting on make-up, brushing your hair or teeth and (turning away slightly) washing regularly. Well fear not! I’m here to pick up your broken pieces.

Zelda; (angry) Mrs Goodwrite! I’m the head of this institution.  I’ve received complaints about your sessions.

End

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Charles Darwin

charles dawin

CHARLES DARWIN and his friend PETER are sitting in a bar together. It’s 1840. They are the epitome of posh upper glass gentlemen.  They have had a few drinks.

PETER: Charles, what do you think of the colonists reaching New Zealand, quite extraordinary I say!

 

CHARLES: I’ve been around that region myself.

 

PETER: Really?

 

CHARLES: Yes. The Queen sent me on an expedition, to the Galapagos Islands.

 

PETER: How exciting! Find anything interesting?

 

CHARLES: Not a thing, not a thing. Just allot of big tortoises.

 

PETER: How disappointing.  Your team lost by the way.

 

CHARLES: What are you talking about Peter?

 

PETER: Cricket olde fellow, your team lost 6 wickets to 1.

 

CHARLES: I never seem to pick it right.

 

PETER: yes yes, tis a shame. Well… hand it over.

 

CHARLES: Pardon?

 

PETER: We bet 40 shillings, remember?

 

CHARLES: Yes but that wasn’t serious olde boy!

 

PETER: On my life it twas! We shook on it and everything.

 

CHARLES: I don’t remember that!

 

PETER: You slimy old fox!

 

CHARLES: I most certainly am not!

 

PETER: You’re a lying Cod- fish!

 

CHARLES: (angry) How dare you, use such filthy language.

 

PETER: You’re a rotten tomato!

 

CHARLES: Well your mother looks a gorilla!

 

PETER: (standing up, furious) you dishonour my mother!

 

CHARLES: I’m sorry Peter, that was below the belt I do hope…. Wait a moment (to himself/audience) Yes, Yes Yes!!! Your mother really does look like a big hairy Gorilla!(Peter is fuming) Come to think of it Peter so do you, and your brother! Your son looks like a tiny chimpanzee! (Flailing arms dramatically)This is fantastic. The origin of life, I think I’ve cracked….

 

He turns around to Peter who with a punch  knocks him out.

evolution

 

End

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Humane?

Empathetic, considerate, compassionate and cold.cute dog

I’ll tell you what? A lie my dog has never told,

a monkeys never called be fat,

I’ve not been blackmailed by a bat.

 

I don’t see hamsters charge to battle,

guns adorn a herd of cattle,battle hamster

rats burn each other at the stake!

I wonder if we’ll ever wake,

to know: literature, philosophy, art we create,

are not enough to clean our plate.

 

I cannot lie, my hands are tied.

an elephant’s not committed gene-side!alcfitz

Kidnapping, bribery and fraud,

these things are all abhorred!

They cause another person’s pain,

and they’re entirely humane.

 

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