Me and my flatmate have been living happily together for the last seven or eight years. The Tory policy to cut friends with benefits, passed this very morning by the House of Commons, has destroyed this. The Liberal Democrats fought this off for as long as they could, but now the Tories have majority there is no hope. My flatmate and I can no longer afford to have casual, non-committal sex with each other or other people.
Privileges Cut by the new regime:
- No erotic behavior with friend.
- No touching of faces with friend.
- No holding hands with friend.
- No flirting (including excessive giggling) with friend.
- No staring intimately for any longer than three seconds with friend.
These activities are no longer funded, and added to that now you have to pay tax individually on each one you exorcise. Me and my flat-mate used to do all five of them, now we can’t afford one! It is a Tory ploy to try and force back the value of traditional marriage, by making people unable to afford the alternatives. Thus getting rid of what they consider to be ‘underhand’ and ‘dishonorable’ practices. Well I say, “but-out conservatives!” Marriage and the ‘nuclear family’ are outdated. It is my choice who I sleep with and how I do it. I like one night stands, I like three sums, I like it up the arse, and I like gang bangs and that makes me no less of a decent person.
The Tories made us choose; we had to either become platonic or be in a serious relationship. I was not ready to have a partner so now we are just friends.I am unable to work or function properly because I am plagued with sexual frustration; I now have to grind on my guitar (it has a neck and a body) let’s hope the Tories don’t start taxing that too.
My life has effectively been ruined and my relationship with my flatmate has also been compromised; Sexual tension is writhe and this then leads to passive aggressive behavior. Just yesterday he asked me to make him a slice of toast and I replied, “Fuck you, just fuck you, you fuckin’ twat,” and last week we had an argument over who used the last of the tooth-paste, and other than the toast incident we haven’t talked since. When we were having sex this never used to happen.
We were forced to get rid of our double bed and swap it for two singles as we were unable to pay the new friends with benefits tax.
What will they take from us next? They have cut our housing benefits, child benefits, disability benefits, they have destroyed our NHS, raised our tuition fees, compromised the welfare state and there is even talk that they will nullify the European human rights act in Britain. We need to put a stop to these injustices; Together we can bring friends with benefits back!